how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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