I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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