My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
