i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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