I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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