I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
