dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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