I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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