You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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