God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you inspire me to be a worse person
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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