i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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