you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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