It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
