i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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