Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
