the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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