Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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