I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
