Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
