Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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