This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
