billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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