i think i have two assholes
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
