sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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