I just threw up on my dentist
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
