the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
