you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
