I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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