I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We talked him into tasing himself.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
