I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
