We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
