i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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