im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
