The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
