My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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