last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i think my cat just said my name.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
