so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
