we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
