I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
