he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
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