I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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