Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No subtext here. People are naked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
