I could have mohawked her pubes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
