i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
