If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
