Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
