Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
