If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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