you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
