I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
