I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
