She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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