Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
